Goody

A month ago, I was panicking, stressing out and generally not having a jolly time. Now I feel peace.

Nothing bad is going to happen. If I hate it, I come back.

Three big words

It was exactly six months ago. I had just returned from a 7-day work thing in Hainan, China and was tired as hell. I didn't wanna be talking. I just wanted to crash.

D and I had just started hanging out again for a month before that and while we were having lots of fun and getting along wonderfully, I wasn't sure when we "officially became a couple". (We decided it was some point in the month of April. hahaha). I guess it was because we got on so well as friends and that things just happened that we felt it was almost contrived to have an official date.

So I was still really tired and grouchy the next day coz the work was piling up and he called.

D: Hello!! You're finally back! I missed you...you have no idea.
J: Aiya.
D: ...
J: Sien ah.
D: What's wrong?
J: So tired. I wanna take MC.
D: Oh. You should. You deserve it.
J: I will.
D: Ok. What time will you be free tonight? I'll come and see you.
J: I wanna sleep.
D: Uh, ok.
J: See you tomorrow or something, babe. I'm really tired.
D: Oh, alright. See you then. Rest well, sweetie.
J: Bye.
D: Bye babe. I love you.
J: *stunned silence*
Uh, right. Good night.
*click*

And that was the loser story of how and when he said The Three Words and how I reacted. I was mortified then, but now, I think it's hilarious. As for me, I didn't say the words back until a month and a half later.

But that's another story.

I'm leaving...on a jet plane...

Big bag

When I moved to Hong Kong in March 2000, I put my stuff in a couple of suitcases, said goodbye to friends and family and went.

When I went back to Sydney in July 2003, I packed two days before I left, said goodbye to friends and family and took off.

There ain't no such luck this time.

There are a million people to talk to, tons of papers to look at, shitloads of stuff to remember and take care of (mostly imposed on me by others) and just generally lots of milling about. Time-consuming, but not very productive, crap.

Thankfully, over the past three or four weeks, I've been given the luxury of doing all this shit during office hours, so it's not that bad; I'm grateful but I still wanna whine.

And after three or four weeks, a lot of it is done. This weekend, the movers are coming over to pack my stuff - while I watch them like a hawk - and cart that away to China. And while I am still here, I have to decide which apartment I will call home for at least the next 12 months, stock up on medicines, back up my computer, print photos, get a hair cut, take my byline picture.

I think I'm set.

Don't wanna lose a boob

I'm not being insensitive or flippant; it is real and it is scary. Do your checks, ladies.

HONG KONG, Oct 25 (AFP) - The image is stark, the message loud and clear: two alarm bells positioned over the naked chest of a faceless woman urge those in Hong Kong to be aware of the dangers of breast cancer.

Until now, the women in this southern Chinese city of seven million largely Cantonese people have not felt the need to worry about breast cancer as the incidence of the potentially fatal disease has been historically low.

But a rapid move towards a Westernised diet and lifestyle in Hong Kong and much of the rest of Asia has seen with it an alarming rise in the number of reported cases of breast cancer.

The death last week of Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi's wife from the disease and the diagnosis of Australian pop superstar Kylie Minogue earlier this year helped shatter the illusion that the disease is alien to the region.

"Breast cancer is on the rise in Asia and that is most pronounced in the Westernised urban cities of Asia - Hong Kong, Singapore and Manila," said Dr William Foo, director of radiology and oncology at Hong Kong's Baptist University Hospital and medical adviser to the Hong Kong Cancer Fund.

A recent study by Foo showed that the incidence of breast cancer in Asia has risen steeply in the past two decades.

Measured by the number of confirmed reports per 100,000 women per year, the rate has risen in the former British colony from 30 in the 1980s to 40 today, an increase of 30 percent in 20 years.

While that is still lower than the 90-100 cases per 100,000 recorded in Western countries, the trend is up and the rate of increase is getting steeper.

"If we look at cities like those in Vietnam, which are less Westernised, the rate is something like 10 - it's much much lower," said Foo.

The expert blames two aspects of Western culture for the increase: diet and the timing of childbirth.

Western diets typically contain more meat, more fat and less vegetables, he says. In terms of child-birth, Western women tend to have babies later in life than their Asian counterparts and a higher percentage have none at all.

"It's to do with an imbalance in hormones, that's the only explanation medical science is able to come up with so far," he says.

Post-WWII Hong Kong has seen rapid industrialisation, rising wealth and a more Westernised lifestyle, including a rise in obesity as fatty fast food has grown in popularity.

The changing role of women, in which many more are devoting themselves to a career instead of traditional family-making, has meant the city's birth rate has dropped to less than one baby for every women of child-baring age - the lowest in the world.

Foo says one positive aspect of increasing Westernisation has been a growing awareness of the risk of breast cancer among women.

"There is no longer any cultural taboo against discussion of such matters, certainly in Hong Kong society, and we are seeing more and more women coming to us with early stage cancer, not the later stage form as before," he said.

Badawi's wife Endon Mahmood used her illness to increase awareness of the disease in Malaysia, where Women's Minister Shahrizat Jalil said earlier that 65 percent of women aged between 15 to 49 years had never done a breast self-examination.

Such reluctance among women to examine themselves has been attributed to conservative traditions in mainly-Muslim Malaysia, where the discussion of issues like sex or breast checks is taboo.

Endon's openness in discussing her illness also bucked a traditional trend of secrecy and silence usually employed by the government over such "sensitive issues" in the past.

Shopgirl....

Who you callin' a shopaholic?

We went shopping yesterday.

I needed a new pair of trainers and a laptop bag. And he needed an orthopaedic pillow. My baby says he is getting old! Bah!

And there's quite a lot you can tell about a person when you go shopping with him/her.

Both of us, as a rule of thumb, don't shop regularly. In other words, shopping, for us, is not a past-time like it is for some people in Singapore. We don't go to town to just "walk and buy stuff"; we go to town if we need to get a book at Borders or Kinokuniya. Of course we care about how we look, but we don't obsess over what we wear, what we own, what labels the stuff we own are...you get the picture. He makes fun of my one, sole, single Prada cosmetic bag, which was incidently a gift, and he calls me his Funky Girl, not Prada Girl, which I think is funny coz I am not funky at all. I'm a weird combination of funky-girl-wannabe and prada-girl-wannabe. And he wonders why I am considering getting a $300 Mont Blanc wallet when a $30 one will do the job as well.

"But I like the colour! And it holds 8 cards, my coins and keys!"
"As long as you're happy, sweetie."

So anyways, here's what I found out - we're both sensible shoppers. We may like something very very much but unless we "totally need it", we don't buy it. We don't need 25 of the same type of shirt; if you notice, some people buy the same type of stuff all the time. We don't need retail therapy. And we're stress-free shoppers. We like to take it easy and would rather not waste time on walking the malls. We're "easily satisfied". We're laid back. We don't obsess.

I think that's cool.

The space between

I used to have hobbies. Now, I have interests.

Just exactly what the heck do I mean?

Back in school, when all we thought about and worked at was getting the grades to get into university - to some extent, the stuff we did outside school hours were meant to make us look good to people who decide which university we end up at - we seemed to be able to make time for things that make us truly happy. Perhaps to counter the shit that we had to memorise and read in order to get the grades. There was also a bunch of people who you consistently see for many hours of the day and did those things with you, whether that's chess, rollerskating(!), playing the guitar or hockey.

My obsessions/hobbies were playing in the band, reading plays, singing and writing. I spent countless hours reading about these things in the library. I was putting in something like 12-15 hours a week practising the flute (not bad, considering we had to spend 40 hours a week at school. It's a full-time job, really). By the time I was 15, I knew - and had read - the classics by Chekhov, Miller, Wilde. I read them aloud and in different voices (yes, I am a geek). I went for private singing lessons. I wrote short stories, attended writing workshops, joined competitions and even won a few prizes.

It's no wonder that my grades weren't great during those four years, but I felt my obsessions fed me more. I was happier doing those stuff.

Now, more than 10 years after graduating from high school, I am sad to say that those obsessions have become less....consuming. Along the way, I somehow convinced myself that I care more about "grander" pursuits, aka making the world a better place by volunteering to help the less fortunate, educating people about human's rights. Don't get me wrong; these are wonderful things to devote one's time and energy on. In fact, that's ultimately what I wanna do - research/writing for an aid group.

But why is it that 10 years ago, I could find time to do the things that I loved doing and now, I can't? What happened along the way? I still love music and drama and singing and literature, but I've become a passive consumer. I attend concerts, I buy CDs all the time, I watch movies and plays, I go to the karaoke or sing along my thousands of songs and I read all the time. I love, love, love doing those things. But those activities are a way to relax and not a way to engage with myself.

And that's what I miss the most, I reckon. To be so totally into something that the doing - not the results of the doing - makes me so completely happy. It's like, it would be good that I could just whack the tennis ball without thinking how it could improve my game; that I could just do the standing half-lotus position without hoping that I could get better and more flexible, sooner; that I could be doing something and not think about anything else but that thing, even at work.

Coz I believe that at the end of the day, your work doesn't say shit about you; it's what you choose to do with your precious time outside work that really shows who you are and what you're made of.

I think what I am saying is this: I can't believe I stayed away for so long.

Just a pic, or three

Ooops wasn't looking 10.05

Me not looking at the camera @ The Bund, Shanghai. That's the funny-looking Orient Pearl TV Tower ; Me looking at the camera @ The Forbidden City, Beijing; Babe not looking at the camera @ FC too.

I wanna scream about this this morning

STOP BEING SO BLOODY CYNICAL!!!!

Princess

J: I think I have to learn to be tougher when I move to Shanghai or people will eat me alive. Or at least learn to get things without becoming too bitchy.
D: Ya. And I won't be around for you to manja*. So cannot be too manja.
J: So now I am allowed to manja all I want, right?
D: Yeap.
J: Eh, but here's my theory. I manja you coz there is someone for me to manja what. And I don't manja other people. Manja-ing boyfriend is ok mah.
D: Yeap.
J: ...

*be a princess.

Resolution Number 1

If there's one thing that I'm embarrassed/sad that I can't do, that thing would be cooking.

It's got nothing to do with the fact that we may soon be setting up house or that I'm moving out; I've lived away from home before - with housemates, on my own. It's also got nothing to do with wanting to be a domestic goddess + power career woman. That having-it-all stuff is bollocks, delusional and leads to feelings of inadequacy and failure and defeat, and is the enemy of most women. Yes, I feel that strongly about it. I think people should just decide what they want and be happy and just do it. Of course, if being a domestic goddess + power career woman is what makes you happy, I say go for it.

I think it's the freedom.

I don't want to be in a situation where I am hungry at 5pm or 11am or 3am, and I can't eat the thing I am craving for, be it wanton noodle or stir fried beef with black bean sauce or mushroom omelette or fried rice with salted fish or whatever, like buffalo wings and blue cheese dip or tom yam koong or pad thai! Of course, I won't be able to learn how to cook everydamnthing I could possibly eat, but it's a start.

So there you go, learning to cook is my first resolution for 2005/2006. I even have the cookbooks already. And no, I don't think it's too early to think about it. After all, it's less than three months to a new year.

And both the domestic goddess and power career woman in me says it's not too late.

Shanghai Tang

The Bund

Quote of the week:

"I like it. But I want you to be comfortable living here too."
"I can live anywhere if you're there."

Shanghai has everything that a regular Singaporean girl like me could possibly need/want to feel alright/like she's never left home. You've got the food, the bars, the restaurants, the angmohs, the Bee Cheng Hiang bak kwa, the Watson's, the Sasa, the BreadTalk, the subways and buses that uses the Shanghai version of the ezylink cards, Shanghai's version of Funan IT mall, expensive Ashtanga yoga, rockclimbing gyms. And amazon.com delivers to China. What more could you want?

Shanghai has also got stuff that Singapore doesn't. It's got great jazz bars, original music CDs that cost 25rmb, Sephora (!), the Bund, super stylish, atas joints that make wannabes in Singapore look like kopitiams, super cheap and super yummy street food - more than xiaolongbaos - parks in every district - the government is doing something about this "greening" thing - possibly Asia's longest shopping street, an awesome fabric market populated by locals and foreigners, Asia's biggest library - can read there, cannot borrow out.

We also saw the bureau - where I finally get the corner office! Uh, not that it matters - visited something like 12 "apartment estates" in almost every district near the bureau - the best way to see the city, I swear - picked three that we liked the most and decided that Shanghai is a city we both could live, at least for a couple of years before it drives us crazy or gets too expensive.

A to Z

A is for age: 29
B is for booze of choice: usually gin tonic or red wine
C is for career: journalist
D is for your dad's name: David
E is for essential items to bring to a party: alcohol
F is for favorite song at the moment: I've Got You Under My Skin
G is for favorite game: scrabble
H is for home town: Singapore
I is for instruments you play: piano and flute
J is for jam or jelly you like: blueberry
K is for kids: none
L is for living arrangements: with mom and the brother before I move to Shanghai
M is for mom's name: Ellen
N is for name of your crush: still Christian Bale aka Batman. He's soooooooooooooooooooo fine
O is for overnight hospital stays: once
P is for phobias: heights and water
Q is for quotes you like: That which does not kill you makes you stronger by Neitzsche
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: one and a half years
S is for sexual preference: emotionally bisexual, physically heterosexual
T is for time you wake up: 8am
U is for underwear: mostly cotton
V is for vegetables you love: kangkong and kailan
W is for weekend plans: work out, read, veg
X is for x-rays you've had: the usual chest, lungs stuff
Y is for yummy food you make: me is bad cook
Z is for zodiac sign: virgo

Puff

Here's the thing: D smokes.

Or more accurately, used to.

For it has been more than three weeks since he touched his last cigarette.

While I am awfully proud that he's quit, I had nothing to do with it; I didn't tell him to stop and he didn't do it for me.

I'm not one of them girls who nags about stuff like that. I figured, sure, it's not a nice habit but you gotta let the guy be himself and not cramp his style. And besides, I don't really givva shit; it doesn't really say anything about a person. When he asked me if I minded his smoking the first time he lit up in front of me, I said: "I don't care. Just don't let me breathe in the thing.'' Ha. But I do think that buying a pack of cigarettes is a fantastic waste of $11. There's a lot of stuff you can do instead with that money.

And food is supposed to taste better too, if you don't smoke. I think that's enough reason not to pick up the habit.

He thinks he's people!

Hug me! Hug me! 10.05

Listening to: The Corrs' Talk On Corners

Whiskey is the first pup we've had in more than 10 years. So he takes a little bit of getting used to. He chews everything, licks everyone's face, bites our hands and feet, and as we have learnt, needs hugs, cuddles and kisses just like a human being does. He needs to know he is loved.

The difference is this: you can't speak to a dog and say reassuring words to make him feel better and he doesn't understand what you mean when you go "You're so cuuuuuuuuuuuuute", so you actually have to do what you mean.

In that way, I think being a dog is kinda nice. Words don't get in the way and you always know where you stand with a human being. Maybe all of us should keep dogs so we will learn the right way to treat the people in our lives; coz action does speak louder than words. You can't do anything with words.

In the bag

What a load of...10.05

Items in the bag (clockwise from the bottom)
1. Moleskine 2005 planner
2. Work pass
3. Notebook
4. The Sak makeup bag
5. iPod with iTalk
6. The Body Shop sunscreen
7. A brolly
8. Gucci sunglasses
9. Burt's Bees handcream
10. Canon iXus 500
11. Name cards
12. Purse
13. Pen
14. Nokia mobile phone

Now you know why I always carry such big bags.

The things one does when one is bored...sheesh.

So, here is the thing about D

When we met, it was indifference at first sight.

It was in the middle of November 2004. I was thinking about ending a relationship that I knew was inappropriate, considering a job offer and looking into moving out - in the midst of going through a company shorthand course. Getting friendly with some random guy was the last thing on my mind; this was some random guy you had to see everyday from 10am-5pm for three weeks.

We didn't even speak until well after the course ended.

It was about two weeks before Christmas, at the paper's party at Thumper. My newly single self crashed the get-together, drank free beers and danced with friends.

And there he was, spunky and friendly. But not so friendly that it's scary. But...maybe it's the lack of alcohol, maybe it's the co-workers.

There was no spark, no fireworks, nada. He was not shy enough, didn't fawn enough, wasn't all over me.

I left, slept, woke up, and went on....for how many days, I don't remember.

Then it happened. The messages on the office system became short walks to get coffee became...a date that wasn't really a date.

I had to run an errand and he came along. And we ended up having drinks at Wala and I would have to be blind and deaf and dead if I didn't know what was going on.

Yes, he wasn't shy enough, didn't fawn enough, wasn't all over me. But the words went on and on, it felt like we've been friends for years and we laughed...and laughed and laughed. We got each other's corny references and rude comments. We got each other.

Then he had to go sort out some stuff, during which I got into something I shouldn't have, which I had to go and sort out.

It was horrible and it was messy. And it was Feb 14.

We didn't speak. We did not message, we did not acknowledge each other in the canteen, we did not even bump into each other in the canteen. It was like something knew that we couldn't see each other, so it arranged for our paths not to cross.

I wasn't sure if we were ever going to speak again, and I went on with my life.

Five weeks later, a phone call came and it was like none of the bad stuff happened and no time had passed. "Hello...what are you doing?" became a two hour catch-up session became a proper first date. A date with no baggage, no leftover resentment, no "weird stuff" to deal with. We didn't have to deal with small-talk awkwardness.

And now, seven months later, being us still feels like the most natural, easiest and best thing I've ever done.

Happy anniversary, baby.

What the world needs now...

...is love, sweet love.

And loads and loads and loads of faith.

Shitloads to do before The Big Move

I am officially overwhelmed.

Someone help me!

Happy birthday, Mark!

At Baize/China One 10.05

Withdrawal symptoms

I have to be at a church wedding at Jurong West in about two hours and I've rehearsed what I am going to say when people ask me how I am related to the newly-weds.

"Her sister married my brother,'' I'd say.

I think that's better than, "Her sister is my sister-in-law."

P.S. Gripe about the amount of admin/paper work that's gotta be done before leaving for Shanghai - so much to fuss over and so many people at HR/Finance/Admin to talk to - and each person keeps referring you to someone else - but so little to show for it! urgh urgh urghhhhhhhhh

P.P.S. Advice - don't date someone from the same office. (But you already know that) Might be thrilling in the beginning to catch a glimpse of your sweetie in action and your heart might skip a beat whenever you see him/her, but after a while it gets weird if you don't have breathing space to not see each other. I donno how others do it. For now, though, it's super super nice and I still go hubba hubba whenever he appears.

hubba hubba

Quidam

Was cool.

Very, very cool.

Lust, lust, lust

This is what Jo and I are drooling over...

Criticising vs whining

Since I am a you-know-what, perhaps my blog should be full of insightful, hard-hitting commentaries on what's happening in the world today...or, more appropriately, in Singapore la.

I've, however, decided that I really should write whatever f I wanna write during my time outside work - which is super precious to me, lor - as I spend most of my waking moments reading about/keeping up with what's happening in the world/Singapore already.

I enjoy news, but I enjoy other things too.

Most of us you-know-whats - especially those who work for a certain organisation - end up not having much of a life outside the office. We talk about news all the time, talk about the government all the time...and because most of us enjoy this, we have to remind ourselves that we should have lives besides the ones we lead in the office for 50 hours a week.

So I'll leave the criticising - which most of the time turns out to be people just whining about bad stuff that other people do to them - to those who do it better...

When nostalgia hits

Just because

Note to someone

Dear X,

I was feeling the same way you do for the longest time...like, 10 years...I wanted to travel, explore the world, know myself intimately and just grow as a person...and I was "resigned" to being on my own, because I didn't think there was someone who wants these things too. And I was happy.

But about 10 months ago, I met someone who wants the same things and feels as ecstatic as I do about having found a companion to go on this amazing journey with. And the best part? We feel we are one, but on our own, we are stronger individuals too, with our own opinions, views, tastes, habits, hobbies, totally intact. And we manage to keep our personal space. I didn't think it was possible! But there you go...!

I think the ideal relationship is one that doesn't make you compromise who you are but affirms your choices, makes you stronger, pushes you to work harder and make you, yes, want to be the best person you can be.

It makes you drop the destructive behaviour which you cleverly describe as "This is me, take it or leave it', forces you to think for two people instead of one and to make choices that will be the best for YOU, not just you. It makes you do away with pride, which you use as armour but doesn't protect you from anything.

And it makes you feel like you've found a safe corner in a screwed-up world.

I've found mine.

I hope you meet someone, if that's actually what you want. If it doesn't matter, I think you got it right. You should prepare for a lifetime of adventure before you and if someone comes along, he'll just have to sit tight and enjoy the ride.

Good Luck!