Die, fear, die

Whatcha thinking?

This picture was taken without my knowledge by PY in Jerusalem one evening when we were out looking for dinner.

I think I was lost in my own thoughts. I was zoning out and tuning in to my head and pretty much wasn't picking up what the others were doing or saying. That happens rather often.

Over the last month or so, the things I've been thinking about tend to be in the 'what if' category. No, I don't wish to undo the past, not even the awful stuff coz otherwise I wouldn't have been able to learn and know certain things about myself.

I've just been coming up with many awful happenings in my head, most of them imagined and in the future; I'm the queen of worst-case scenarios.

I don't believe in regret and I don't dwell on bad things in the past. That's not the same as denial. You just have to learn what went wrong, pick yourself up and move on, and hopefully, you don't repeat that mistake. Once in a while, though, you get reminded of your stupidity and ignorance, and it's not a good feeling, but I think we can choose what to think about and what we focus on.

I think I'm generally a cynical and skeptical, yet hopeful and rather upbeat, person. Things happened on the way here that made me so. A person has to earn my trust - I assume people want things from you - and unless I've known you for years, I don't really let my guard down. And faith and trust...two big concepts that I'm still struggling with.

The point of all that? I'm deciding now whether to let my guard down and go for it. To a very large extent, I already have. I'm thinking and feeling things I've never before and it's precisely coz I think this could be the real deal that I'm getting a little freaked out. I don't think I can handle the pain that comes with disappointment, or worse, betrayal. So I hold my horses. And when you seek advice from your friends - God bless them - as well meaning as they are, they tend to say things from their personal experiences and are never subjective. They tell you to consider things they would consider, they warn you about stuff they would be careful about, and they say you should avoid ending up in situations they ended up in. This is all wonderful and good, but I do wonder sometimes if it might not be better to just go with my gut feeling. Coz there's a lot to be said about trusting one's gut feeling.

At the end of the day, I think I'm going to choose not to think about the 'what if's', especially if they are awful scenarios and give me not hope, but fear.

Coz life is more good than bad. And fear stops you from living your life and often has nothing to do with the truth. I'm not choosing to shut my eyes, close my ears and sing loudly so I can ignore what's going on or go against my common sense, coz I know human nature and I know the stories. But if I let my fear consume me and I give in, then it would mean that I have given up even before starting, and without putting up a fight. And that's not me.

And if the past three to four months are any indication, I think I'm on the ride of my life, coz it's just going to get better, I know it.

So here goes...