The space between
I used to have hobbies. Now, I have interests.
Just exactly what the heck do I mean?
Back in school, when all we thought about and worked at was getting the grades to get into university - to some extent, the stuff we did outside school hours were meant to make us look good to people who decide which university we end up at - we seemed to be able to make time for things that make us truly happy. Perhaps to counter the shit that we had to memorise and read in order to get the grades. There was also a bunch of people who you consistently see for many hours of the day and did those things with you, whether that's chess, rollerskating(!), playing the guitar or hockey.
My obsessions/hobbies were playing in the band, reading plays, singing and writing. I spent countless hours reading about these things in the library. I was putting in something like 12-15 hours a week practising the flute (not bad, considering we had to spend 40 hours a week at school. It's a full-time job, really). By the time I was 15, I knew - and had read - the classics by Chekhov, Miller, Wilde. I read them aloud and in different voices (yes, I am a geek). I went for private singing lessons. I wrote short stories, attended writing workshops, joined competitions and even won a few prizes.
It's no wonder that my grades weren't great during those four years, but I felt my obsessions fed me more. I was happier doing those stuff.
Now, more than 10 years after graduating from high school, I am sad to say that those obsessions have become less....consuming. Along the way, I somehow convinced myself that I care more about "grander" pursuits, aka making the world a better place by volunteering to help the less fortunate, educating people about human's rights. Don't get me wrong; these are wonderful things to devote one's time and energy on. In fact, that's ultimately what I wanna do - research/writing for an aid group.
But why is it that 10 years ago, I could find time to do the things that I loved doing and now, I can't? What happened along the way? I still love music and drama and singing and literature, but I've become a passive consumer. I attend concerts, I buy CDs all the time, I watch movies and plays, I go to the karaoke or sing along my thousands of songs and I read all the time. I love, love, love doing those things. But those activities are a way to relax and not a way to engage with myself.
And that's what I miss the most, I reckon. To be so totally into something that the doing - not the results of the doing - makes me so completely happy. It's like, it would be good that I could just whack the tennis ball without thinking how it could improve my game; that I could just do the standing half-lotus position without hoping that I could get better and more flexible, sooner; that I could be doing something and not think about anything else but that thing, even at work.
Coz I believe that at the end of the day, your work doesn't say shit about you; it's what you choose to do with your precious time outside work that really shows who you are and what you're made of.
I think what I am saying is this: I can't believe I stayed away for so long.
Just exactly what the heck do I mean?
Back in school, when all we thought about and worked at was getting the grades to get into university - to some extent, the stuff we did outside school hours were meant to make us look good to people who decide which university we end up at - we seemed to be able to make time for things that make us truly happy. Perhaps to counter the shit that we had to memorise and read in order to get the grades. There was also a bunch of people who you consistently see for many hours of the day and did those things with you, whether that's chess, rollerskating(!), playing the guitar or hockey.
My obsessions/hobbies were playing in the band, reading plays, singing and writing. I spent countless hours reading about these things in the library. I was putting in something like 12-15 hours a week practising the flute (not bad, considering we had to spend 40 hours a week at school. It's a full-time job, really). By the time I was 15, I knew - and had read - the classics by Chekhov, Miller, Wilde. I read them aloud and in different voices (yes, I am a geek). I went for private singing lessons. I wrote short stories, attended writing workshops, joined competitions and even won a few prizes.
It's no wonder that my grades weren't great during those four years, but I felt my obsessions fed me more. I was happier doing those stuff.
Now, more than 10 years after graduating from high school, I am sad to say that those obsessions have become less....consuming. Along the way, I somehow convinced myself that I care more about "grander" pursuits, aka making the world a better place by volunteering to help the less fortunate, educating people about human's rights. Don't get me wrong; these are wonderful things to devote one's time and energy on. In fact, that's ultimately what I wanna do - research/writing for an aid group.
But why is it that 10 years ago, I could find time to do the things that I loved doing and now, I can't? What happened along the way? I still love music and drama and singing and literature, but I've become a passive consumer. I attend concerts, I buy CDs all the time, I watch movies and plays, I go to the karaoke or sing along my thousands of songs and I read all the time. I love, love, love doing those things. But those activities are a way to relax and not a way to engage with myself.
And that's what I miss the most, I reckon. To be so totally into something that the doing - not the results of the doing - makes me so completely happy. It's like, it would be good that I could just whack the tennis ball without thinking how it could improve my game; that I could just do the standing half-lotus position without hoping that I could get better and more flexible, sooner; that I could be doing something and not think about anything else but that thing, even at work.
Coz I believe that at the end of the day, your work doesn't say shit about you; it's what you choose to do with your precious time outside work that really shows who you are and what you're made of.
I think what I am saying is this: I can't believe I stayed away for so long.
posted by Jean.Chua at 5:03 PM
4 Comments:
Fortunately, the benefits you received from those admirable activities will stay with you--more so than mall crawls or parties, which many engage in instead of "hours in the library" or practising the flute. It will come back to you--some day. Mine did.
Wow. Thanks for the note. I'm getting off my arse now.
As someone who probably has way too many hobbies....I can only say: make time for the things you really love and then do it.
I think so far swimming is the only thing I can do and just do it...It's also the only time when things sort themselves out.
I would love to be able to do many more things like you describe, do it and enjoy it without a motive. Hope you'll find the time somehow. I know it's an old saying butI think it's true, when there's a will there's a way. I personally just expereince it...Thought I could never shed the extra 5kgs but just did it with enough exercise. Go for what you wish.
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