Clinton and some other scary shit

So Clinton WAS charming but he looked tired and lost quite a bit of weight coz of his recent surgery, but I thought he looked good. The story was bollocks, though.

I'll post it when I read it in the papers tomorrow morning.

I also need to get from Bryan any photos he might have taken of the bunch of sad journos - myself, especially - getting soundbites.

In the meantime, I'm disturbed now coz I think I have a stalker.

I need to sleep.

Toxic life-forms

I guess it's easy for me to say - guys, let's get on with it already - when I'm feeling fine and right as rain now. Speaking of which, it rained and rained over the weekend and it's still pouring. I've been assigned to see the Senior Minister and ex-US President Bill Clinton tonight before their golf game, which drew quite a few incredulous looks from my colleagues but I'd rather do this than write about stupid corporate scandals which seem to be happening every other day. urgh.

If it doesn't stop pissing down soon, do you reckon our state representative and the former leader of the free world would go bowling instead?

So anyway, I did manage to wake up and meet WK for a run in the MacRitchie area this morning. For a moment, I thought maybe it wasn't the brightest idea coz it was getting really hot and the traffic was rather heavy, but I felt good after.

Unfortunately, the "good feeling" lasted only till I got a msg I didn't wanna get...which brings me back to the question: why is it so easy for some people to move on and so hard for others?

I guess the question is rather pointless coz everyone's wired differently. I was rather angry at a friend whom I thought was in denial about his pain. I was also miffed in general about people telling me to fawgedabaddit and get on with it. I mean, can't I even get ONE WEEK to grief? And it had been only 3 days at that point!!!!

BIG RESIGNED FRUSTRATED SIGH

Anyway, there's also this person - no names - who feels he has the right to lay his mood swings on me. He talks to me when he feels like it, shuts me off when he doesn't and asks me weird questions when he's back to normal. What normal is in this case, I have yet to figure out. And he doesn't seem to want me to be ok! I say I'm fine, perfect, ok, very well, etc. and he goes "It's no good telling me that. You gotta be honest with yourself" in a smug tone over the phone - How he manages a trick like that, I don't know - after which, I won't feel fine, perfect, ok, very well coz I feel like throttling him until he goes green in the face and throwing him off the 47th floor of a building.

And the msg I received got me thinking that maybe I do move on quickly....too quickly for some to be comfortable, I guess...I mean, I was crying one night over some perceived brokenheartedness (no drowning in alcohol, thank God, no!!!) and less than a week later, I'm ok. I still think about it in my occasional moments of weakness but on the whole, I'm much better now than I thought I would be!...which, sez one friend, is scary for and to people who don't recover as quickly.

But I thank God for happy, shiny, positive people around me - and there are a few - who don't need to use their emotional ups-and-downs as a gauge of how their lives are going. They set their eyes on what they want, they are incredibly focussed and incredibly resilient.

That's what I want to be.

And on an extremely wonderful and cheerful note, an ex-colleague just got engaged. GREAT NEWS.

Where's the champers?

So at the end of the day, here's a note to people who have made my life less-than-ordinary in the past month or so:

GET OUT OF MY FACE

Things that make me go...

Late nights are bad for you.

I used to be able to party in the middle of the week till 4am, go for supper/breakfast, dash into the show and head to work bright and shiny without having slept a wink. Then I'll do it again the following day, and that Friday, and yeah, Saturday. I know, that was s-t-u-p-i-d.

Nowadays, I find myself loving time at home or a quiet one with friends. Like this weekend.

After a couple of days in KL last week, I had hoped that I would be able to take it easy this past week...be in bed by 11pm and wake up at 7am that sorta thing. Fat hope; I should have known. Attended a couple of parties - the first against all of my better judgement and sense, but the second was good. Stuck to my favourite non-alcoholic beverage, ginger beer with bitters, and only had one Heineken, and that was coz some guy who didn't know what was good for him said I can't finish a bottle faster than he can. That's my weakness; I can't say no to a challenge. urgh. I stood there watching, with an empty bottle in my hand while he chugged the rest of his with a shocked look on his face. It's hilarious what people assume; they take one look at me, think I'm harmless and mild so they act like baboons.

List of events coz I'm too lazy to write:
Took Friday off coz had stomach flu
Brunch with brothers
Shopped for puppies all over the island
Dinner at Gardens
Driving lesson
Ran about 4km
Wrote to friends overseas
Exorcised the wardrobe

It was a quiet one but it was nice.

Ok I'm gunning for a morning run, so good night, world.

zzzzzzzz

P.S. How much should/does one censor when one blogs?

Look out, world!

Rit and maself at Cindy's wedding 01.05

Finally! I know how to post pictures on blogspot! And noooooo, it's not an entirely pointless exercise at all...I can see what I'm talking about and so can my friends. Now, I chose this picture coz it's the only picture I took recently in which I look kinda ok. I look like me la. And just look at Rita, isn't she a babe?!?!?!? More to come...like some pictures from KL and some random ones.

And do you know that you can actually add music to your blog? And when you get sick of it, you can change the song?

Moving on

I know now that what's good for me and what isn't.
I know now that some people deal with their pain by running from it and some by running to it.
I know now that true friends see you in all your vulnerabilities and love you coz of them.

Now is the time to get on with it. And it's good.

I want simple

Yesterday was one of those rollercoaster days....fantastic-lousy-not bad-good-ok-great-fabulous.

The day started after a night of the best sleep I've had in weeks - I'm not kidding - I dozed for a full 8 and a half hours without interruption and woke up feeling like I could take on anything. Had my mandatory cuppa half tea-half milk, played the piano for a while and trundled to work - that's my morning ritual.

Then I did something I probably shouldn't have. But that's ok coz it reinforced what my lovelies and maself have been saying. And now I feel better for it. No details coz they might come back and bite me in the ass. Feeling totally pathetic and sorry for maself but with a brave front, I went to town for lunch and a quick spot of shopping with Karen and Siva. We had chicken rice and kiam chye thng at Far East. Yummm. Of all people, ran into FA while getting the car...didn't stop to say hi coz we were rushing. FA and I had a little episode some months ago, but more on that later.

At about late arvo, Hans - a mate from my Hong Kong days - came over to the building to see me. I haven't seen the boy in three years and he looks as wonderful as ever! hahaha. I'll post pictures - the first we took in as many years! He was here for a total of 20 mins and had to dash for the airport...I'm hoping he makes his flight!! There's still a bit of the old reporter in him who raved about the building but I spend too much time in this place for it to have any sort of allure for me. yuks.

He's Singaporean-American-Hong Konger. Spent about a third of his life in each country. Seeing him again and speaking in our mishmash of Mandarin, Cantonese and English made me miss Hong Kong, specifically the times that were spent in cha chan tengs - Hong Kong's equivalent of our kopitiams, just dirtier, smokier and rowdier. Part of the charm of it. Put him in a cab at the building and hugged each other goodbye, which was when I realise I miss my days in Hong Kong more than I would let on.

Then it rained for the first time this year! It was so so so needed, and it felt like a purging of all the bad stuff from my soul and it couldn't have come at a better time coz it felt symbolic and I know I'm silly to think this way, but I couldn't help smiling and beaming and feeling cheerful. I'm grateful that I still have the ability to be thankful for little, random things.

After work, Siva and I had a good run in the area - my first in a week. The air was heavy and still and was weighing my feet - and everything - down, but we managed to do 4k or so in under half an hour. Which wasn't so bad.

Jo and I went to Gardens to grab a beer at about 10pm. Erm, that was the plan but she ended up with a latte and I ended up with bottled water. ha...chatted about what people want, what we want, what's the use of fighting and....handbags.

Yeap. Handbags. A friend said there are people who choose to go out with you coz of how you would make them look...cool/good/acceptable/whatever. I guess I can see how certain minds would operate like that and I think I might have like that myself when I was younger, but I just don't see how I would be able to think like that now in my late 20s. Relationships are difficult enough as they are; who the hell needs complications?

Jo said it's possible that some would see me as a handbag coz I'm a "good handbag". I supposedly make the guy I'm with look good. I'm still puzzled over this comment coz I genuinely don't see it and don't get it. I'm definitely no trophy girlfriend - you can walk into any (more decent) bar and round up a bunch who would be taller/slimmer/better-looking/more willing. I'm just me.

At the end of the day, the heart wants what the heart wants, right? Jo asked me if things could change. I said I've hit a wall and I don't have the capacity to deal with it anymore.

I want simple.

Is it time?

Am I that strong?
Am I that resilient??

I don't think so, you know? Coz there's a part of me that still freezes over when I think of it and I wish that people - I love my friends to bits - would stop telling me that it wasn't worth it. Repeating it to myself ain't going to work, though they're probably right. Let me recover in my own way and I know my own way.

No, thanks

In a certain world - which twisted one, I don't know - I am supposed to resemble a colleague who used to read news for the paper's TV station.

It happened on my first day of work in June last year. One of the very first things I was told was "You look like XXXX", to which I said, "Do I?"

The same scene was replayed intermittently throughout last year and I thought people have got over the novelty and got into their heads that no, XXXX and I don't look alike.

So it was with much amusement - and chagrin - that I turned down a couple of hours ago a request from the company's news magazine for a story about mistaken identities. The folks who run the mag want to feature the two of us in a "cute" story and asked for a photo of us together.

In an alternate world, I might have said yes, I might even have been happy to do it. But I'm not in that world, and I'm not entirely comfortable with bringing attention to myself.

I don't need this sort of scrutiny.

Of mad dogs and mad men

I need sleep...

Once again, I woke up at 7.30 this morning like clockwork, though I only managed 3 hours of shuteye.

There were tears, laughter, silliness, realisations, epiphanies. And it was good. I got what I needed truly to move on and I feel ok coz I've never felt not ok long enough for things to matter in any real way. This inability to want to feel anything lasting may one day be my downfall. But not now. Not here. And certainly not him.

My take on marriage

That's more that just the title of a catchy pop tune.

I think there's something to be said for waking up before your alarm clock goes off and sitting by your window and watching the first rays hit the oranges, browns and greys of the homes around you and the greens of the shrubs..and listening to the getting-ready sounds of the world.

I'm one of those lucky people who don't have to jostle with the peak-hour crowd and traffic to get to work everyday, and I thank God for it coz it means I can get up at 9am and still be ok...this also means if I have the discipline to wake up way before I'm supposed to be at work - like I'm doing now - I get to enjoy the morning. It took me 10 years to realise that I'm actually a morning person and I like it. Getting up when the sun is still new makes me feel more virtuous than I have the right to feel, everything is fresh, it's a clean slate.

Bad news tend to come at night - like yesterday - when I was told that a not-terribly-close friend has called off her wedding, which was skedded to happen on Saturday. No, I wasn't invited but it came as a shock nonetheless coz I hear of her romantic and not-so-romantic saga from a friend and her "what I fear for her has really happened" started me thinking about marriages again.

The most seemingly-inane of questions...why do people get married? I still don't know, and I still don't know if I ever will. I tell people it's something I don't foresee happening to me and it's something I don't think about anymore coz I just don't have any answers. I tell people my folks had a horrible 20something-year marriage, during which they fought intermittently and made up in between, and that made me really wary about spending so much time with one person. That, of course, is warped reasoning and perhaps not entirely convincing but real to me, and that's the truth. I've seen what a emotionally-draining relationship can do to a person's mind and body, and that's not something I wanna go through.

So I Pavlov-train myself not to get too close to someone and now that behaviour has etched into my neural circuits, I'm sure - hey, I'm a psychology major, dammit. It's gonna take something or someone pretty damn, what's a good word, extraordinary before I can unlearn this.

Of course, that hasn't stopped me from meeting people and going out with people coz I'm just too damn curious and people interest me, especially those who also find me interesting enough to spend time with. My lovely friends - many of whom are married - say it's just that I haven't met the right person; when I do, I'll know...I guess that's true. I guess for every bad relationship, there's half a good one - that's the statistics, baby - and when you see that half a good one, it gives you the rare hope that maybe you might meet someone who feels the same way as you do and who wants a shot at being half of the half a good relationship.

And there's something to be said for that.

One year anniversary

current clothing: red tank and ripped jeans
current mood: wired and sleepy la
current taste: blackcurrant juice aka ribena
current hair: ponytail
current annoyance: not knowing
current smell: mint
current thing you ought to be doing: not a damn thing, sleeping probably
current jewelry: one earring
current book: in arcadia by ben okri
current favourite refreshment: dry ginger ale
current worry: none really
current crush: myob
current favorite celebrity: hilary swank
current longing: to fall sound asleep
current music: damian rice
current wish: to work harder at all things
current lyric in your head: "And so it is...just like you said it would be"
current makeup (if you're a girl!): none
current undergarments: bra and thong
current regret: none
current desktop picture: sunflowers
current plans for tonight/weekend: to fall sound asleep
current cuss word du jour: f**k off la
current disappointment: not knowing
current amusement: finding the perfect car
current IM/person: Jaci
current love: my friends
current obsession: never-been restaurants and joints
current avoidance: late nights
current favorite book: jitterbug perfume by tom robbins
current favorite movie: million dollar baby

***


Fwah. having too many late nights - all in a row - really does a number to your head and your gut. And I feel all the more crappier for it coz late nights ain't really my thing.

So I've been back in Singapore for one year, and it's been the longest period in 4 years that I've stayed in one spot for more than 6 months, and it's beginning to feel damn right weird. I don't know what it is - restlessness, the wanting to escape the I'm-settlin'-in feeling, or just plain wanting some adventure, but the itch is gettin more noticeable and I'm not talking about the just-scratch-it-and-be-done-with-it kind. This is serious stuff. And I don't think the weekend at KL helped at all. Not saying that I didn't enjoy it. I did - tremenously, and it only served to feed the travel bug more. I'll post pictures when I've figured out how to.

So to drive home the point to maself, here's the top 10 things I miss about studying/working/living overseas.
1. The goddamn parks. National parks that are almost half the size of Singapore where you can hike, boat, swim, picnic, camp, have a cookout, have a bonfire, jump into a real freakin' lake, see a real freakin' waterfall, drive a real 4WD and watch meteor showers at night.

2. Decent coffee. I only drink one every other day but ain't it nice to know you can just walk 5 mins from your apartment to the best coffee street in Sydney?

3. The weekend Sydney Morning Herald. Ogle cars, apartments, $10 million holiday houses in Central Coast, check out restaurants, news of the week. Ahhhhh. Weighs a ton and a serious pain to lug around but totally entirely worth it when you're enjoying it with the decent coffee.

4. Second-hand bookstores. Good god. How did I manage to survive this long without the smell of old Hemingways, dodgy psychology textbooks and National Geographics? And there's always some cranky old guy/earnest young guy reading some esoteric title or distributing some left-wing pamphlet behind the counter.

5. Being able to wear coats and boots and hats and gloves. ahhhhh. Shopping - and after that, dressing - for winter is something everyone has to do at least once. Then after the nippy months - which is fantastic for snuggling - you shop for bikinis, shorts, itty-bitty tops. sigh.

6. My uni campus. The oldest tertiary institution in Australia. Walking in and out the sandstone buildings in the Arts faculty and the main quadrangle - with the purple jacaranda flowers - makes me feel like part of something bigger and more important than myself.

7. The harbour and the bridge. Shucks. It's touristy BS, but no matter how many times I sit in the Botanical Gardens with a book or in one of those cafes near the Sydney Opera House with their $8 cappuccinos, the sight of the bridge in the evening and at dawn is still heartbreaking.

8. Bondi and Manly beaches. Taking the one-hour walk to the head of Bondi in the evening is out of this world - then you stare out to the endless Pacific Ocean. Taking the ferry to Manly on a cold winter's day. Getting there just for the hot chocolate is the whole point.

9. Ethnic food joints run by the real folks. Thai, Vietnamese, Italians, French, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean....you name it.

10. The feeling that I can be myself. That anything is possible and nothing is too wrong/right/silly/stupid/earnest/corny/just wishful thinking/unfashionable/sincere/insincere/not cool/too cool. Fuck.