iBook or Powerbook?

I know they will give me a decent new Windows-based notebook, but I really really really really really really want a Mac.

So how?

On the other hand, $3k will buy me many things that I actually need.

Did I mention I really really really really really really want a Mac?

Roadsigns

Jeanchua Highway Fame City 5 Mt. Happiness 20 Lake Love 46 Study Hall 102 Confusion Lane 274 Please Drive Carefully

Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

Ok, that last post was written after pushing 3 consecutive 12-hour days, which will drive any sane person mad, and I am hardly sane. Plus I am still sick, and they are making me work.

And a sign that I'm going bananas??? A panic attack over the phone during which I screamed SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!! to a perfectly innocent and stunned D.

I am spending way too much time in the office, I have people I wanna see badly and catch up with - the list is not long but means the world to me - and I have a million other things I'd rather be doing. I'm resentful that work is sapping so much of my time and energy that I missed a former classmate's ceremony at the ROM yesterday and I just got the news that a friend's mom passed away last week.

So I feel miserable.

I wonder if it's worth it to miss out on the most important things in life - getting involved in my friends' lives, knowing them more intimately, knowing myself more intimately - when my work, my so-called career is supposedly going in the right direction. And the funny thing is - I feel like I am merely someone who happened to walk by when something is happening. Like the Big Bang is going on right now and I am just an intergalatic observer.

And my love life too...I spent way too many years going out with people I didn't really wanna be with coz I didn't wanna care and get hurt, and at the beginning of the year, I spent way too bloody long nursing what felt like a broken heart. Bah. And now, I'm in a situation where there is no mixed signal, no uncertainty, no game-playing. And last night, I know for sure. And there is no chance in hell I am letting this go.

So for once in my life, I feel like I have it all...I just need to slow down a little, no, wait...I need to slow down A LOT and let this sink in.

And today will be the day of reckoning, when I will go in and tell my boss finally what I've decided.

No looking back.

Madness. Confusion. Stress.

Why do they choose to come at the same time?

I'm a reformed cynic

Cynicism is a belief in...nothing.

You've already met cynics, I'm sure; they are those people who tell you they see thing how they really are, and that things really are rotten.

They believe that no one is sincere, and that everyone has secret, selfish reasons for the things they do.

They'll tell you that everything is rigged against you, and no one means what he/she says.

The world, according to the cynic, is a cold and cruel place...

People who are cynical or jaded make their own lives cold because they lack courage.

It takes courage to believe in things; sometimes things will disappoint you, sometimes people will let you down.

To have faith is to risk having your heart broken, and the cynic isn't willing to take that risk.

Boys Will Put You On A Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt)

Phillip Van Munching

Cures

Coke and lemon.
Orange juice.
Honey in warm water.
Just warm water.

There are apparently a million ways to get over a flu/fever that doesn't involve yucky antibiotics and cough syrup. I discovered this after falling sick for the first time in seven months.

Someone up there...

...is smiling down upon me.

I've never had it tough.

Though I don't always end up getting what I want, I think - in the words of someone who is a little wiser and older - I've turned out ok, mostly by just being myself.

I don't plan.
I don't try to control everything.
I just let it roll.

And it's amazing how things turn out when you do that.

Right now, I'm just happy that I didn't get some things I wanted, that I ruined certain things by being a control freak and that I did those things for me - coz this, this state, is where I want to be. I know that now.

I've found the one thing that would make me stay.

And that's exactly why I am going.

When you get what you thought you wanted

Almost everyone is telling me to grab it coz "it's a great opportunity", but I am not so sure.

When you're scared shitless about something, does that mean you shouldn't do it? How useful is fear in pointing us in the right direction, whatever that may be?

So this is how having cold feet feels like...

"So what's going to happen to the dog? Thought you just got a dog!?"

- Colleague

Office

5.30pm

Secret declaration

I xxxx xx man.

This is a day well wasted

Well done...

I did nothing but faff around the house while having a mask on, play the piano for a bit, bring the dog for a hair cut which cost me $50, rent a couple of DVDs of movies that will never be screened here - Garden State and I Love Huckabees - and come home and faff around some more.

That's my ideal day off from work. Indulgent and pointless. Rather well done, I say.

And the Reverend agrees.

As a side note, I know people read my blog so how come no one is asking me 4 questions??? I promise to return the favour!

When I can't sleep, I...

...look for lyrics and I put them here.

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay

Jet lag truly truly sucks

The stage when they bite every darn thing
06.05

Dumb question of the day: How do dogs know that you're going to have pork-and-chives dumplings for supper once you step through that door so they start following you and whimpering till you throw them a snack, and even then, they don't want it and want a dumpling?

So I am sitting here at my desk at home, with Whiskey at my feet - he has this thing for sleeping on my wires - having decided to come home a couple of days earlier. I don't think it's a bad decision, considering how staying two more days is not going to make me like/hate the US anymore than I do. Plus I've been in and out of the country at least once every month since the beginning of the year I almost looked forward to coming home when I was at the Newark airport. Oh wait, there's Vietnam in July with D.

So to sum it up...the more I travel, the more I don't wanna be here anymore. At the same time, while I am overseas, I think about home and the people here. Is that weird or is that normal? I'm not pulling the "Oh, I've studied and worked abroad so I know better than you" shit, coz there ain't no such shit to pull. I simply know that there's a better place to do the things I wanna do, so I scheme to go. That's just a no brainer.

D has also said that he wants to move away. I don't blame him coz he lived in Boston and New York and the whole place just cramps a person's style. It's full of people who seem to be lost or unhappy or bored and just can't seem to or wanna do anything about it. I've felt like that countless times too and I don't even know what it is.

My bet is something they put in the water and food.

And work...while I enjoy it most of the time - and I consider myself luckier than most..."Well, that's coz you choose to go for the money while I choose something I like but get paid a lot less than you, so shut the fuck up, you dumbass twit." - it's not the stuff that makes me go "YESSSSSSSSSSSS". I don't know if I should give up looking for that thing which makes me go whooooopeeee everyday - is that even real??? - but I don't know if I can do this for very much longer. Maybe another 2 or 3 years?? In the meantime I think I can still enjoy this. I used to think I could be a journalist for the rest of my life, but that's starting to change and I guess it's coz I realise there are a lot of things I can do and wanna do. I just haven't found it, maybe.

If I'm starting to sound a little lost, I'm not. I think I'm just wondering if I might be happier, more fulfilled - I hate that word - doing something else, and what that something else might be.

Do you think this ever ends? This questioning, searching?

What I will miss about New York

Art..I just don't get it
06.05

the hundred-year-old buildings
the jazz...in the joints and the street corners
the picnic lunches...and never mind the food, I'll miss the way people make out in public!
the countless bookstores
the countless cafes with the most amazing coffee
the subway...yes, the subway...which brings you anywhere once you figure it out
the sample sales
Central Park
Guggenheim, the Met, MoMA
taking the ferry
Washington Square Park

New York State of Mind

"That ain't funny." 06.05

It is true that you either love New York or you hate it.

I find there is nothing to dislike about the city, its history, its personality or its people.

This is the city of Greenwich Village, East Village, Chelsea, Soho, Tribeca, Fifth Avenue, Central Park...of scenes and images you've see in so many movies and TV shows that even if you've never been here, you feel like you know the place.

New Yorkers are known to be loud, rude, arrogant. In that case, maybe the nice, friendly folks I meet everywhere who have no problem telling me which way to go and which train to take ("You wanna go downtown on 4, honey.") and who do it with a smile and a "Good luck and have a great day." aren't New Yorkers.

The city is also said to be dangerous and crime-ridden but I felt safe walking back to the apartment off Times Square at midnight. But then again, this is not a city for the weak-hearted.

This is a city for the jazz lover, the book lover, the coffee lover, the museum lover, the art lover, the flea market lover...this is heaven.

And heaven is about warm, long summer days, free concerts and plays in the parks, and free entries to museums, and picnics.

It's about walking miles and miles without feeling it and discovering a little something in every other corner in every neighbourhood.

Everyone comes out in summer coz...if you don't now, when will you?

A winter visit, anyone?

Ask me anything...

From Henriettamole...

You can ask me any 4 questions...no matter how personal, inappropriate, or random.

I promise to answer the questions 100% truthfully.

Repost this and see what people want to ask you....

Baby talk...poo

As happy as I am (or am I?) for some of my former classmates who are expecting, all that talk about scans/drugs/gender of the kid/morning sickness/bleeding/pain scares the hell outta me....and all I can muster is a blank look.

And I can't bring myself to feel excited.

Sorry, girls.

Or maybe not.

Public Display of Affection

Jean, the thing you need most in a relationship is Flexible Independence

While every relationship cultivates its own kind of closeness, your ideal relationship would encourage a greater level of privacy and independence for both you and your partner. This sense of autonomy paired with great flexibility in pursuing your own interests means that your relationship would be able to withstand changes even when you aren't feeling that close to one another. You and your partner would understand that relationships have their ups and downs, and that tolerating change and individual differences will only lead to greater intimacy in the long run.

***

Even if one is in a great relationship, there is no need to publicise.

Most of my girlfriends who blog - you know who you are - have wonderful relationships with their boyfriends. I know coz they tell me.

But they are very, very discreet when it comes to gushing about their guys, if they ever.

So I hereby also refuse to gush.

I refuse.

Blisters from the walking

The Lady 06.05

This was the moment I realised that a compact (digital) camera just doesn't cut it.

Ground Zero

Century 21

Staten Island Ferry

Brooklyn Bridge

Flatiron Building

Radio City Music Hall

Rockefeller Centre

Mission accomplished.

Reverend Sugartastic wonders...I

...why boys think that being skanky and slimey works?

That, I swear, is Billy Crystal

I'm a fan too, Billy!!! 06.05

When do you start feeling that you're really in New York?

When you get to walk down Broadway, buy the yummiest Burt's Bees lime-lemon lip balm, shop at Gap and Victoria's Secret, eat Korean at a joint whose bosses speak almost no English, browse books by the mile at Strand, go to a sample sale by a Spanish designer, have an early dinner at Union Square Park, manage to see Guggenheim at 7.30pm and admire the skyline of the city on the 86th storey of Empire State Building at 11pm.

Oh, and see Billy Crystal in the flesh signing autographs and posing for pictures after his off-Broadway show at midnight.

Things to do when you are jetlagged

The key to not being hassled when you're out wondering about Times Square in the rain at 11pm?

Act local. And pretend you know what you're doing and where you're going.

Items on the agenda tomorrow: waaaaaay too many

"Ooooooh, look at all the pretty shiny things!"

Sephora, Times Square

June 6

11.30pm

I'm Macy Gray...oh yeah!

Who's Your Inner Rock Star?

Macy Gray

Oh yeah, the rock star in you is all Macy Gray. You are an intriguing, glamorous, groovy girl—free and fabulous as they come. You and Macy have got a lot going on and people just want to know what makes you tick. One minute sophisticated urban diva, next minute keeping it true to the street, you are style, sass, and cool without even trying. You are the goddess of groovy living and girl power, unleashing your fanciful whims through your words, dreams, and independent lifestyle. Feed your inner Macy Gray, honey. We love to watch.

***

The best thing about partying? An excuse to go crazy with old friends.

And scoring free drinks.

"United States of Hip Hop"
Cocco Latte
June 4
10.30pm

Whiskey's day out

Ruffian 06.05

When: 11am;5pm

Where: The vet's; Botanic Gardens

What: Getting a jab; Chewing on grass, being stubborn, meeting friends, terrorising kids, getting terrorised by kids, chasing plastic cups, charming everyone, being a total darling

3 days to New York

Awwwwwwwwwwright!

After months of waiting and pining, it's time! I leave on Monday morning and will be in the US for 10 glorious days.

Send me your shopping lists now!

A year ago...

Listening to: Fairground Attraction's Ay Fond Kiss

It took me close to a year to earn these people's trust.

And what a year it has been.

Yeap, on 3 June 2004, I walked into the newsroom as an enthusiastic new hire eager to prove herself. Or at least, just wanted to enjoy herself.

It wasn't an easy start. I had a news editor who seemed out to make life difficult for me, for reasons I only recently discovered. And I felt so much pressure; everyone appeared to think I was some hotshot just because I worked for some newspaper in Hong Kong.

And after 6 months of being miserable and doing stuff I wasn't really into, I was offered a gig somewhere else which I accepted.

These people then went on to persuade me to change my mind, offered a raise and a change of responsibility and so I stayed.

Then came another couple of months of struggling to keep my head high, knuckling down and working my butt off. There was some resentment to deal with but I survived.

Then 2005 came and I finally felt that I was beginning to enjoy what I was doing. I started travelling and covering stuff that made me more excited.

And so after a number of false starts, I am here.

I don't know how long I'll stay. All I know is I like it now.

So here's to the 2nd year.

I am well

Hit me

Mark surprised me earlier - when I bumped into him at Raffles City - by telling me that he has been reading my blog, and that maybe I should consider something other than business writing.

So I just spent the past half an hour re-reading what I've written over the past three and a half months.

This is meant to be nothing more than a log of random thoughts, plans, ideas...mostly scribbles, but scribbles I take rather seriously.

Reading certain postings reminds me of a sad, difficult - and totally unnecessary - period. I don't want to un-do what happened, but I tell myself I'll never, ever be that person again.

Other postings tell me that I should never take anything for granted, that I should be open to change and that I should always dare to have big, fat hopes for myself.

I don't always manage to do all the stuff I set out to do, but I've come to learn that it's never too late to make up new lists.

Sometimes I feel messed up; sometimes jubilant. But most of the time, I just feel pretty comfortable in my own skin.

That's my Holy Grail.

And I'm the happiest I have been in a long, long time.

I don't know if it's coz almost everything in my life is going well. I am not saying that I've got it all; the reality is far from it. But I feel sooooo fortunate, that good things are happening to me and will continue happening to me. I'm fitter and stronger than I've ever been, more able to handle the work they are giving me, I'm seeing the world, and I've found something that makes me dizzy and grounded at the same time, something that I didn't think I would ever find.

In a word, it's MAD.

And it will get better.

I can't wait...

So shoot me

I come in peace

Petra, Jordan 05.05

First of all, I am not nuts.

Yes, that is a picture of me talking to an armed soldier.

But I was just asking for directions.

The rest got a little freaked out though...

So let's just say that maybe I didn't know any better...the guy could have opened fire and I wouldn't be here!

Oh whatever.

That's me now...in the whatever mood. I don't care what happens to me, my job, my life. Most of it is out of my hands. And the last thing I should worry about is what people think of any of it.

The chink in the armour is showing. And it's not pleasant.